What is your name, please?

My name is Officer Y.

What is your name, please

My name is Officer Y.

What is your name, please?

My name is Officer Y.

Will the real Officer Y … please stand up?

Reading the “I’m the real Officer Y,” “no, I’m the real officer Y” comments on the Bulletin’s Web site makes me think of the old “To Tell the Truth” television show.

Officer Y (not his real name) has made several posts related to the race between Sheriff Bobby Grubbs and challenger Kim Gilliam. One such post, purportedly by Officer Y, suddenly seemed to contradict all of Officer Y’s earlier posts.

Then came another post saying that Officer Y is an impostor, I’m the real Officer Y and I never wrote the things in that last post that are attributed to me. Then came another post, purportedly by Officer Y, saying wait, the post claiming there is an impostor was written by the impostor, I’m the real Officer Y!

This can get plum confusing, don’t you know.

Now boys … be nice.

“I wonder if the real Officer Y would let you be Motorist B if he pulled you over?” Bulletin Associate Publisher Bill Crist mused.

A few of my fans have complimented me on the headline I recently wrote, “Persistence puts police in position to pinch pumpkin pilferers.”

At least, they thought I wrote it, and while I usually do like to steal credit that’s not due me, I had a pang of conscience and said, “I didn’t write that headline.”

That’s probably the work of Bulletin editor Gene Deason, who is a pretty clever headline-writer. Gene just confirmed it’s his handiwork.

“How did you think of all the “P’s” and the alliteration?” I asked.

“I worked on it,” Gene explained. He said he had to use a thes - a thaes - you know, one of those books with a lot of synonyms - to help find the right words.

Gene does just about all of the headlines that adorn my hilarious columns. Actually, the headlines are usually better than the columns.

There is a star rating system at the end of each online article or column. As far as I know, readers are giving the article a column a rating of four, three, two or one stars (four being the best), and the system will tell you the average number of stars the article or column received and many people rated it.

I’m not sure what the stars actually mean. If you get a one-star, for example, does that mean people thought you did a pathetic job, or does it mean they’re disagreeing with whatever events are depicted, or with what folks are quoted as having said?

My column last Thursday, for example, got all the way down to a 1.8-star rating. D’oh! But I was encouraged to see it come back up - to a 1.9-star, based on 11 people who rated it.

Wow, I was worried there for a minute. Whoever No. 11 was who got me up to the 1.9 - thank you!

But how should one interpret those star ratings? What do the internals show? Do they reflect the views of registered readers, potential readers, Democrats, Republicans, male, female …

I was all set to send out an open message to Northwest Elementary School: if you see a golden-colored rodent scurrying down the hall, please apprehend and return to Room 310.

He went over the wall Tuesday night.

“Did the rat turn up?” I asked school counselor Amy Crist Wednesday afternoon. She reminded me he’s not a rat, and said yes, he was found in something called the “math manipulatives.”

“I guess he’s a mathy-kind of guy,” Amy said.

If you keep a rodent as a pet, it’s not a matter of will it escape, but when.

Steve Nash writes his column for the Brownwood Bulletin on Thursdays. He may be reached by e-mail at steve.nash@brownwoodbulletin.com.