They said it …
For this column, I am going to treat you, my 37 faithful fans, to a montage of remarks I recall — some recent, some years ago — that I find noteworthy in some way.
OK, here we go …
“That’s just me.” — One of J.R. Williams’ many signature remarks on the KYXL morning show. “Dad, why do the Mavericks lead by 30 points at halftime and then when there is one minute to go, they only lead by a point?” — My 9-year-old son, Johnson, tapping in to my vast insight into sports. “I have no earthly idea.” — My answer to the above question. “Yeah, but you bring it all on yourself.” — My co-worker, Johnson Phelps, responding to my comment that everyone picks on me. “I’ve got a (expletive) attorney …” A person who was arrested in a drug raid in Brownwood. I’m sure the (expletive) attorney is glad to have the work. “I relapsed.” — A defendant testifying about his drug use. Is that another way of saying “I wanted to get high again”? But that’s just me. “Let’s get right to it.” — Assistant District Attorney Sam Moss, launching into questioning of Brownwood police officer James Fuller, a state’s witness in a recent trial. “Counsel, do not address the court as ‘OK.’” — A judge in another county, chastising a defense attorney who replied “OK” after the judge gave him some instructions. “You (expletive expletive!) Wack wack wack wack wack …!” — A helmetless, bearded motorcycle rider, screeching at a motorist who turned left in front of him on a low-speed street. Now that was really helpful.
The motorist knew she’d goofed, but the cyclist’s tirade kind of made it hard to feel sorry for him. He must have some impulse control or anger management issues. But that’s just me.
“Now just a minute!” — a defense attorney’s statement every time he wanted to lodge an objection at a trial.
Some attorneys growl. Some are acerbic and bombastic. Some are infinitely polite and low-keyed. One lapses into a kind of sing-song when asking questions. Makes me think of bobbing on the ocean and getting seasick. Or, I keep expecting to see a big dot floating through the air to help us keep the
“I’m a stay-at-home mom.” — The 17-year-old girlfriend of a drug defendant and mother of his child, testifying at his trial.
You just about had to laugh out loud at that.
“Need any stamps or shipping supplies while you’re here?” — Postal clerks who, I guess, are trained to “suggestive sell” to customers at their windows. I keep expecting them to ask, “Would you like fries to go with that?” “Give them the 1-800 number …” — A local business owner, giving instructions to an employee who was trying to help a customer with a problem.
“Mind your own (expletive) business, you (expletive expletive)” — Panhandler speaking to a store manager who confronted him about asking the store’s customers for money. Panhandlers just don’t get no respect. “Hey Lead, how come you’re doing 900 knots?” — one of my cousins who flew F-16s in during Operation Desert Storm. The way I recall it, that was sort of an hypothetical question an F-16 driver would have asked of another F-16 driver, as recounted by my cousin, as they high-tailed it through a combat zone. “Because it won’t do a thousand knots.” — The hypothetical answer. “He’s your son in every way.” — Mrs. Johnson addressing Mr. Johnson about their 9-year-old son, Johnson. “Come over here, I want you to see something.” — Someone who opened a self-locking door in a building, bid me to step outside, then stepped back in and closed the door, with me locked outside. That was hateful and hurtful.
You know who you are, Johnson, and you’re not one of my 37 fans.
Steve Nash writes his column for the Brownwood Bulletin on Thursdays. He may be reached by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.