I read a lot of newspapers on the Internet, and I learn a lot of stuff I wouldn’t know otherwise. Astronauts drinking? Sounds reasonable to me. I wouldn’t crawl into one of those space shuttles without a couple of shots of something. Pieces of the thing are always falling off. At least, nobody is shooting at them as they did in my ball turret days during World War II. I wasn’t too gung-ho about crawling into it either but drinking was not an option.

I also learned that Sara Lee had recalled a bunch of her bread baked in Georgia. It seems that there was some trouble with the flour sifter and there was a possibility that small pieces of metal might have gotten in the bread.

Small pieces of metal shouldn’t hurt anybody’s stomach unless fired from a 9-millimeter Glock at close range. I’m sure Sara Lee wouldn’t approve of that.

A lawyer in Fort Worth has found himself in the top 10 list of shame by the Heritage Foundation for collecting $770,693 in farm subsidies. His farm straddles the Texas-New Mexico border which makes it a long way to go plow and plant and harvest while carrying on his law practice.

In another article I read, I learned that the USDA paid $17 million out in subsidies to farmers who had been dead for seven years. Your tax money at work.

A 2,000-year-old mummy was discovered somewhere with a prosthetic big toe. Scientists are of the opinion that this was done to control balance after he, or she lost the big toe. I have a loss of balance myself but a neurologist tells me it was caused by my cerebellum which controls balance. That makes me mentally unbalanced, I guess. That sounds reasonable as I still have my big toes.

In Painesville, Ohio, two men caught soliciting sex were made by the municipal court judge to wear a chicken suit. In another case, the same judge sentenced a couple who stole a statue of baby Jesus from a manger to dress as Mary and Joseph and walk with a donkey. One fellow who called a policeman a pig was made to stand by a pig in a pig pen wearing a sign that said “This is not a policeman.” Yeah, frontier justice still prevails in Ohio.

In Olympia, Wash., a dentist who was putting implants in his assistant decided to pull a little prank on her and put in fake boars teeth and then took pictures while she was under the anesthetic and passed them around. She didn’t think it was funny. She sued for $250,000 and he paid it when his insurance company refused to do so.

Then, he sued the insurance company and collected $750,000. The price of implants should go down, even putting in boars tusks. I could use a few, tusks or whatever.

In Mansfield, La., an ATM machine in a truck stop was being overly generous and shelling out $20 bills instead of fives. The truck stop owner unplugged it.

Somebody plugged it back in. In a short time, it had dished out $7,000 too much. The users are not aware that their names are on the machine along, with how much money they got.

Near Abilene, folks were protesting those large electricity generating windmills complaining that they were “using up our wind.”

I know what they mean.

I just used up mine.

Harry Marlin’s column is featured every Tuesday on the Brownwood Bulletin’s Viewpoint page. E-mail him at pilgrimB17@verizon.net.